


edward elric and the prisoner of azkaban

by hhhomunculus



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Characters will be added as they appear - Freeform, LIKE A FOOL, NaNoWriMo, but not really bc i only got like 1 and 6/7 chapters done, ed is a gay disaster, ed is an alchemy teacher, ed teaches at hogwarts, ed/ling is tagged but probably wont appear until......... later, fullmetal alchemist / harry potter, manga / brotherhood, no beta we die like men, the characters in the tags are only the important ones sorry, there'll be hints of it and stuff for the time being but this isnt just edling centered, ykno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-08-17 11:01:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16515095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhhomunculus/pseuds/hhhomunculus
Summary: edward elric has already dealt with enough weird shit in his life in his 15 years of living. but this? this is a new level a weird. it's the farthest you can get from alchemy- it defies all laws of equivalent exchange, and it isn't even a science. no, it's... magic?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo, its me with an Actual Legit fanfic??? no fucking way
> 
> anyways uh this is my thing for nanowrimo 2018! currently at the posting of this i just have this one singular chapter, but i will be updating this either as i finish chapters or i'll just mass update after i finish. either way, there's gonna be more.
> 
> uhhh other important things  
>  _"this"_ is amestrian  
> "this" is english  
> ed doesnt have magic and all that  
> this takes place after ling gets greed and during harry's 3rd year

Two figures were walking the streets of London. They were quite obviously foreigners, with their accented words and their strange appearances. The smaller of the two had hair the color of spun gold and eyes a similar hue, and was dressed in obnoxious red and leather, while the other donned a full body suit of armor, and was carrying two suitcases. It was an unnatural scene, and many stopped and stared. The two figures paid no attention, however, as they were used to the stares. And so they continued their foreign conversation, that had the smaller gesturing wildly as they spoke.

 

“ _It defies all the laws of alchemy!_ ” Edward Elric exclaimed with a wide gesture of his arms, to a brother who had already heard this protesting many times before. “ _There is no equivalence! I read through a few of the textbooks, and they can change one thing to another with no regards to its components!_ ”

 

His brother, Alphonse, sighed, shaking his armored head as Edward continued rambling.

 

“ _Brother, you’re making a scene._ ” He interrupted, in the very specific tone of voice he used only for Ed. The blond boy stopped mid-rant, and huffed childishly.

 

“ _Yeah, yeah. I get it. I’ll shut up now._ ” Ed told his brother, in that just-barely-softer-than-usual tone of voice he reserved for his brother (and, though he would not admit it, that pretty Xingese prince that he had found annoyingly endearing.)

 

The two walked in relatively quiet companionship, occasionally commenting on things that caught their eye - the technology mostly, everything was just so _advanced_ outside of Amestris - until they reached their destination. It was a run down pub, with a a hanging wooden sign with a faded cauldron and equally faded, calligraphic text that read, with a bit of concentration, _The Leaky Cauldron_.

 

“ _This is where the headmaster said we would be staying, right?_ ” Alphonse asked, looking down at his brother for confirmation. Ed nodded, staring up at the sign.

 

“ _Yeah, that’s what the old man said. Come on,_ ” He replied, looking around (wasn’t this place supposed to be warded against - what did the old man call them, _muggles_? - non magical people? wouldn’t people be weirded out by two people just disappearing or something?) before twisting the knob, pushing the pub’s squeaky door open and entering, Alphonse following close behind.

 

The two, led by Ed, approached the bar, where a balding, honest looking man was standing, cleaning a glass. He looked up (or down, as Ed was most definitely shorter than him by a bit) at Ed, then up at Alphonse, and seemed to already know who the two were.

 

“You’re Edward and Alphonse Elric, correct?” He asked. Ed nodded hesitantly, and the man continued. “Albus already told me about you two, there’s already a room set up for you upstairs. Here’s the key.”

 

“Thank you.” Al said as Ed grabbed the key in question, heading to the rickety stairs that surely led up to the rooms. Ed lead the way, scanning the room numbers for the one that matched the one on the tag attached to the key. Halfway down the hall they found the room in question, and Edward unlocked the door, pushing it open. It was a plain, bare room - wooden flooring with not a carpet in sight, two beds on opposite sides of a small window. There was a door to the side that presumably led to a bathroom. A dresser with a lamp on it, as well as a simple, padded chair were the only other things in the room.

 

The blond alchemist made his way over to one of the beds, not even bothering to shrug his signature long, obnoxiously red coat off before he flopped down on it, legs dangling over the edge as he propped himself up with his arms. He looked over at his brother - who had just set the suitcases at the foot of Ed’s bed - and grinned. This was such a _strange_ situation to be in, even with everything that had already been going on in his life.

 

(At least everything else could be explained, but this was _magic_.)

 

He, the absolute _child_ he was, couldn’t help but wonder, for a moment, what kind of mischief he could pull had he been a wizard. Then, his grin falling, he couldn’t help but wonder if this magic could help restore Alphonse’s body. He didn’t really care about his limbs anymore - he just wanted to fix this mistake and get his brother back to normal. Hogwarts had an extensive library, the old man had said, maybe he could find something there?

 

He was then reminded of something else the old man had said.

 

_“_ How, _” Edward had asked, automail hand resting on his hip as he regarded the headmaster, “_ Am I to keep from boredom, in the what, week and a half between my departure for London and my arrival at this magic school of yours? I will surely finish the basic books you gave me on the classes being taught before even one week is up. _”_

_Dumbledore had laughed, eyes twinkling, as he stared down at the young prodigy. “_ There is a bookstore in Diagon Alley, which is accessible from where you will be staying. I do believe there are many a book that you would find interesting. _”_

Edward sat up, jumping off the bed as his grin reappeared.

 

“ _Hey Al, I’m gonna go find that bookstore Dumbledorf mentioned, see if there’s anything interesting there._ ” He told his brother, heading towards the door. “ _You wanna come with me_?”

 

His brother shook his head, sitting down clunkily by the suitcases, opening one of them to reveal a bunch of books.

 

“ _I’m gonna reread some of the books Mr. Dumbledore gave us, I really liked the one about magical creatures._ ”

 

“ _Alright. I’ll try and bring you something back, then._ ”

 

“ _Have fun, don’t hurt anyone for calling you short!_ ”

 

Ed didn’t respond, but he made sure to slam the door shut, _hard_ , causing the walls to rattle. He heard Alphonse laughing behind the door, and he stomped indignantly down the hall, and then down the stairs, scowling the whole way. He was _not_ short.

 

It was only when he had reached the foot of the stairs when he realized he had no idea how to _get_ to Diagon Alley. All the questions he had asked the old man, and this important question wasn’t one of them. He wanted to hit himself in the head. (He didn’t.) “Fuck.” He said.

 

A kid, a short, skinny thing who could be no more than like, thirteen who was sitting nearby with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands turned to look at him, staring at him with a raised eyebrow partially hidden by his mess of black hair.

 

“Are you okay?” The kid asked, and Ed shook his head, frustrated beyond relief.

 

“ _No_ , no I am not. I just realized I don’t even know how to get to the stupid Diagon Alley, let alone where it is.”

 

“Oh.” The kid replied, taking a drink of his hot chocolate. “I could help you, I know how to get there.”

 

“Would you?” Ed asked. The kid nodded. “Thanks, I guess. That is awfully nice of you.”

 

“No problem. I don’t have anything to do anyway.”

 

Ed nodded as the kid finished his drink, setting it down on the table and standing up. He walked to a back door, and then opened it. Ed followed him, hands shoved in the pockets of his coat. He watched as the kid took out a stick - a wand, the old man had called them - and tapped a very specific brick in the brick wall.

 

(Ed noticed that it was the third brick to the left, just above the trashcan.)

 

The wall began to pull apart, bricks moving until an archway had appeared. Through it, a bustling street could be seen, full of witches and wizards alike.

 

Ed followed the kid through, staring around at the magic alley. There were shops everywhere, people chatting everywhere, and it was so _vibrant_. He’d never seen a place like this - even Rush Valley hadn’t been this colorful and bright, it was just mostly automail.

 

“Pretty cool, right?” The kid asked, as Ed turned to look at him.

 

“Yeah, I suppose.” He replied, his golden eyes returning to the kid. “Oi, what’s your name, kid?” The boy frowned a bit.

 

“I’m not a kid. I’m Harry.”

 

“You are like what, thirteen? Definitely a kid. The name is Ed.” The blond said, rolling his eyes as he began to walk away, determined to find the bookstore. This also, coincidentally, happened to end the conversation.

 

Ed, satisfied, made his way through the bustling alley, ignoring the various conversations that were going on as he searched for the bookstore, looking through windows for the telltale signs of a bookshop.

 

He finally found what he was looking for - a cluttered looking bookshop by the name of Flourish and Blotts - and entered the shop with barely contained childlike glee. Oh, how he loved bookshops. The attendant - a girl with bright blue twin puffs of hair and darker skin - seemed busy, trying to wrangle a monstrous looking book out of a cage filled with several others, the book trying to bite at her thick leather gloves, seemingly for a student. He ignored that, instead diving straight into the various shelves.

 

He didn’t know how long he spent, looking through the books and picking out the ones he wanted. He ended up with a sizable stack when he finally emerged from the shelves, barely visible behind the books as he made his way over to the counter. It was still bright out, he noticed, so he had not been in there a horribly long time, which honestly was a relief because he wasn’t too sure he wanted to leave his brother alone for too long, especially in such a foreign place.

 

He set the stack of books down on the counter, rummaging through his pockets for the bag of money he usually brought with him as the attendant rung up his books. Then he froze, realizing that wizards definitely had a different currency, and he had yet to exchange any of his cens to European currency, let alone wizarding currency.

 

“ _Fucking hell_ ,” He murmured to himself, hastily asking the attendant to hold the books for him real quick because he had to go do something _very important_. Then he ran out of the store, his footsteps mismatched. He paused when he realized he had _no_ idea where the wizarding bank was, if there even was one here, and looked around, trying to see over people’s heads. He noticed a huge, very obvious, white building, and figured he should head that way. So he did, and when he was close enough to the building he noticed a sign.

 

Gringotts Bank.

 

Blessing his usual terrible luck, he entered the massive bank, noticing right away that, sitting at the many tall desks, were some sort of not-human creatures that reminded him severely of Chimeras. He walked up to one of the desks.

 

“Excuse me,” He asked, steel in his voice, “But do you do conversions with Amestrian currency?” The... thing looked down at him (something he did _not_ like) with a strange look, but said nothing as it pointed to the right.

 

“That is a matter for Gerlnak. Four desks down.”

 

Ed nodded and thanked the creature, then approached the appropriate desk, repeating his question. As it turned out, they _did_ do conversions with Amestrian currency, and so he pulled out his bag of cens. Perhaps he could phone Colonel Bastard later and ask him to convert some of his research funds into wizarding money. He got the money converted, and left the bank.

 

He returned to the bookshop, apologizing to the attendant, and payed for the books, deciding he was done with this magic alley for the day and began to head back to the wall he came from. He didn’t exactly know how he was going to get the archway to open up again, but after asking someone to do it for him (using the excuse that his hands were _very_ full right now) he was back at the Leaky Cauldron.

 

As he was ascending the steps, he thought he could hear someone calling his name, but he continued anyways because honestly he wanted to put those books down. And then eat. Eating sounded wonderful right now.

 

He returned to the room, greeting Al as he set the books down on the dresser, carefully pulling out the ones he picked out for his brother and giving them to him. Satisfied, he told his brother he was going down to get some food, and returned to the bar.

 

And then promptly froze when he saw that Harry kid from earlier, talking to a very familiar prince.

 

“Ling!” He exclaimed, golden eyes widening as he spotted his annoying(ly endearing) friend. “Ling?” He repeated quickly, a more questioning tone in his voice now. Was this really Ling, or was it the Homunculus? He proved to be Ling, as the prince stood quickly, tackling Ed in a hug with a grin. The alchemist froze momentarily, but relaxed, because this was his friend, who he had missed dearly.

 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, pushing the Xingese prince off of him with a faint blush that was barely noticeable under his sea of freckles.

 

“I followed you.” Ling replied, that stupid smile still on his face. Ed blinked.

 

“You _what?_ ” He asked, slipping into Amestrian mid-sentence, his voice rising as he processed the words.

 

“ _I followed you. I was curious, and Greed wasn’t in control._ ” The prince told him, almost pouting. Ed stared at him in shock, like he was a total dumbass (which Ling was,) and then promptly facepalmed.

 

“ _Ling, you idiot! What were you thinking?_ ” He asked. “ _I’m going to a fucking magic school in a week and there aren’t any trains that leave back to Amestris that soon! What are you going to do when I’m gone?_ ”

 

Ling stared at him like _he_ was the fucking idiot, and then laughed.

 

“ _I’ll be following you, of course!_ ”

 

“ _No! No you won’t be - what if it’s found out you’re there, huh? You’ll get in trouble and I’ll get in trouble and- and it’s a fucking magic school! With lots of magic and shit!_ ”

 

Ling laughed again.

 

“ _Aww, are you worried? Don’t be, I’ll be fiiiine._ ” He said teasingly. Ed huffed, turning away, his face _totally_ not bright red, and stomped his way back up the stairs, ignoring Ling calling after him as he made his way back to his room, slamming the door behind him and ignoring Alphonse’s inquisitive head tilt, in favor of falling face-down on the bed he had claimed as his.

 

He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he was waking up the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh ed is a disaster gay and thats how it is  
> blease inform me if i made any mistakes bc its midnight thirty and i am a sleepy author  
> comments + kudos are what keep me thriving please give them to me ♡


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's here! chapter two!  
> this is actually the farthest i got in writing whoops bc i procrastinated like a Fool and didnt get any writing for this one done  
> but here's the second chapter n stuff bls enjoy!
> 
> uhhh other important things  
>  _"this"_ is amestrian  
> "this" is english  
> ed doesnt have magic and all that  
> this takes place after ling gets greed and during harry's 3rd year

A week later, on September 1st, he was at King’s Cross Station, where he would presumably find platform 9-and-three-quarters. Like he had been for the past week and a half, he ignored the stares he, his brother, and the other three members of their odd entourage were getting. He walked with a purpose, train ticket clutched in his automail hand.

 

“ _The old man said to just walk in between platforms nine and ten, yeah?_ ” The Fullmetal Alchemist asked his brother, who hummed in reply. Ed sighed. He was still very much skeptical when it came to this magic business, and stuff like this didn’t help any. It was insane, and he wasn’t a fan.

 

As Ed reached the barrier between platforms nine and ten, he “casually“ laid a hand on it, watching as the hand passed through like water. It kind of felt like he was sticking his hand in water, actually, cold and smooth and kind of numbing. It wasn’t unpleasant.

 

“ _Hey, Al, stick your hand through here,_ ” He said, gesturing to the barrier, “ _And squinty-eyes and your cronies do it too._ ”

 

Alphonse nodded, pressing his hand against it and watching as his too passed through the wall. Ling and his bodyguards too stuck their hands through, one at a time, as Ed watched. Once he was sure everyone would be able to pass through (he wasn’t leaving his brother, and he would never hear the end of it if he left the idiot prince and his bodyguards,) he walked through the wall. He couldn’t help but shiver at the sensation, and was glad when he stepped out at the other side.

 

He stepped away from the barrier as his brother came through, followed by Lan Fan, Ling, and Fu. Ed took the time to glance around, noting the crowds of people. There were parents hugging their children, teenagers loitering, people of all kinds on platform 9-and-three-quarters. Then he looked at the beautiful scarlet train, the Hogwarts Express. Without a second thought, he approached the train, boarding it swiftly. There weren’t many people in the hall, thankfully, and he entered the first empty-appearing compartment he saw.

 

He entered the compartment to see a man, asleep, in a corner. He didn’t seem like he’d be a bother (He looked too old to be a student, so he was probably another professor,) so he sat down, looking at his brother.

 

“ _Ling and the others are going to find their own compartment, I’m going to go make sure they stay out of trouble._ ” Alphonse told him, and he nodded with a small frown. “ _Try to socialize, and don’t kill anybody, okay, brother?_ ”

 

Ed grumbled but agreed nonetheless, and so he was left alone in the compartment with the sleeping man. This was perfectly fine by him, and so he too settled down to sleep.

 

He wasn’t quite asleep when the compartment door was slid open, and he cracked his eyes open a bit as three kids walked in.

 

“Who do you reckon these two are?” One of them, the red head, asked, plopping himself down on the seat across from Ed. The other boy sat next to him, while the girl sat in front of them, next to Ed, and replied, “Professor R. J. Lupin. I don’t know about the other, though.”

 

“How d’you know the first one?” The red head asked.

 

“It’s on his suitcase.” The girl replied, and Ed was sure she was pointing to the luggage rack.

 

“What class do you think he’s teaching?”  
  
“Defense Against the Dark Arts, obviously. It’s the only vacancy.”

 

“What about the other one?” Another voice asked. It was the third boy, with his circular glasses and messy black hair. Ed could feel three pairs of eyes land on him, examining him.

 

“They look a bit older than a first year, but they’re kind of... short -” Ed had to physically stop himself from jumping up and yelling at the girl there and then, because he was a curious fucker and didn’t want them to find out he had been eavesdropping on them. “So I don’t know who they could be. I’ve never seen them in my life, and I doubt they’re a first year.”

 

There was a hum in reply from Glasses, and then the red haired boy asked, “So, what were you going to tell us?”

 

Ed tuned out as the conversation drifted away from him, beginning to doze off once again. He fell asleep quickly, ignorant to the world around him as he was off in dreamland, thankfully not encountering any nightmares.

 

He woke up to a cold compartment and the sound of luggage falling off the racks with thuds that echoed throughout the train. Golden eyes landed on the unnaturally frosted window - it couldn’t be _this_ cold naturally - and then looked around, at the complete utter darkness that had engulfed the compartment..

 

“What’s going on?” Red head asked, shuffling around a bit. This movement earned a yelp from the girl.

 

“Ron, that was my foot!” She hissed.

 

“Do you think we’ve broken down?” Glasses asked.

 

“Dunno...”

 

There was a squeaking noise as red head wiped at some of the frost on the window, and then the compartment door slid open. There was the sound of someone colliding with something, and then there were mumbled apologies and the sound of a new boy’s voice asking “Do you know what’s going on?” followed by a few more apologies as the newcomer fumbled around.

 

“Hullo, Neville,” Glasses said to the newcomer.

 

“Harry? s’that you, what’s going on?” Neville asked.

 

“No idea - sit down.”

 

Ed heard someone fumbling around again - presumably this Neville boy - and felt the presence of someone close by. He decided then to make his awakened presence known to the others.

 

“Not right here,” He said, “I’m sitting here.”  
  
“Who -” Neville began, as the girl interrupted him.

 

“I’m going to go ask the driver what’s going on.” She said decisively, making to the door and opening it, and then promptly bumping into someone else.

 

“Who’s that?”  
  
“Who’s _that?_ ”

 

“Hermione?”  
  
“Ginny?”

 

“What were you doing?”  
  
“I was looking for Ron -”  
  
“Come in and sit down -”  
  
That exchange was clearly done with as yet another person, a girl, entered the compartment.

 

“Not here!” Both Ed and Harry said at the same time, as Harry continued, “ _I’m_ right here.”  
  


Neville yelped again, and then there was a hoarse voice telling everyone to quiet. There was rusting noises, and then a handful of flames illuminated the face of Professor Lupin, who had previously been asleep. He looked tired, but his (golden?) eyes were alert and wary. Ed recognized those eyes very well, he had seen them on his own face more times than he could count.

 

“Stay where you are,” The professor continued, getting to his feet with the fire held in front of him. Before he could reach the door, however, it slid open all of its own accord. Edward’s breath caught in his throat.

 

The _thing_ illuminated by Lupin’s flames was tall, hidden in a cloak that hid all features. Ed’s eyes glanced up and down the figure, noticing the grey, slimy-looking, scabbed hand that looked like it had decayed in water. He then noticed Harry staring too, and then the _thing_ noticed both of their gazes. It focused on Harry, and then took in a slow, rattling breath, and Ed could feel the cold seep into his skin and bones, into his chest, his very soul...

 

“Alphonse! _” he called, voice childish and fearful, as his brother was pulled away from him. He watched as his brother disintegrated before him, felt the pain of his leg falling to the same fate._

_He felt the exploding pain in his head as knowledge poured into his mind at once, as he screamed for it to stop. He saw Truth’s horrible smile as his leg was now Truth’s, and his new stump was screaming in pain as he fell._

_“_ Take my leg! take my arm! take my heart, you can have it! but give him back! he’s my only brother! _” He yelled, pressing his hands together as the blood seal on the armor glowed._

 

_Truth was there again, grinning wide. His arm was there too, now, he faintly realized. That’s why his arm hurt._

_“ **It’s equivalent exchange, mister alchemist.**_ ”

 

He woke up to a vaguely hospital-like room, though without the bright lights and expanse of white. It was kind of dark in here, actually, lit by scones filled with fire. He could see the starry night outside of the window.

 

He sat up, noticing the chill in his bones was still there, and looked around a bit more. There were rows of beds, and at one end, a small office. A woman was rushing out of the office in question, having noticed he was awake.

 

“Mister Elric,” She said as she came up to his bed, watchful eyes scanning him. “Finally awake, I see.”

 

He nodded, frowning.

 

“What... was that thing?” He asked, internally cursing how shaky his voice was.

 

“A dementor. They’re nasty things, suck away all the happiness and make you experience your worst memories again. I’ve never seen such a bad reaction to them - are you okay, Mister Elric?”  
  
Ed nodded, frown deepening. No wonder he felt so awful, no wonder he had to revisit such horrible memories. They had already tormented him enough in his nightmares.

 

“Is there anything that might make me feel better? It is rather cold.” He said, and she promptly handed him a chocolate bar. He stared at it skeptically, but at her insistence took it. He opened it, took a bite, and already began to feel warmth seep back into his body.

 

“Chocolate is always good after a dementor attack,” The woman informed him. He took another bite.

 

“Thank you. Now... there is supposed to be a feast tonight, yes? when does it start?” He asked.

 

“It’s already started, I’m afraid.” She replied, watching hawkishly as he got out of the bed, stretching.

 

“Then I suppose I’ll have to be late, huh? Care to give me directions to the hall?”

 

After following the instructions given to him, he reached a massive set of double doors. Faintly through them, he could hear the headmaster talking, seemingly introducing new teachers.

 

“- Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job as well as continue his gamekeeping duties.”

 

There was a roaring applause, and when that finally died out, Dumbledor began to speak again.

 

“And, though he is, unfortunately, currently not here, I would also like to introduce -”

 

Ed took this moment, the dramatic shit he was, to kick open the doors, his automail foot hitting them with a loud bang, causing them to open. Hundreds of eyes shot to him, and he couldn’t help but grin. Dumbledore, amused, continued.  
  
“I would like to introduce Edward Elric, who will also be teaching this year. It is an old but new subject that is open to all - Alchemy.”

 

Confused murmurs swept through the halls, as Ed finally slid into his seat at the staff table, next to the giant Hagrid and the shabby Lupin. Then, a few tentative students began to applaud, others following. It was lukewarm at best, less welcoming than either of the other new professors had gotten, but that didn’t bother Ed right then and there. After all, why should he care what the students thought of him?

 

He stared in shock as food suddenly appeared on golden plates, muttering how it made no sense even as he piled his plate high with food, absolutely ravenous (as per usual.)  He finished the food on his plate just as the food on the other plates disappeared, and was replaced by numerous desserts. He was about to reach for some delicious looking pie - apple, by the looks of it. He wondered for a moment if it was as good as Mrs. Hughes's. - when he was addressed by the shabby professor Lupin sitting next to him.

 

“A teacher, huh?” The man asked, and Ed nodded.

 

“Yes. Is there a problem?”

 

“No... I just found it surprising.” Lupin replied. “You look younger than the oldest students here.”

 

“Ah.” Ed said. “That would be correct. I am fifteen.”

 

“Fifteen?” Lupin repeated. “You’re not even of wizarding age!”

 

“No,” The alchemist agreed, “But where I come from, there are no age requirements to be an alchemist. Plus, I am considered a genius prodigy when it comes to alchemy.”

 

“I see.”

 

“Yes. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he reached for the apple pie he had been eyeing, cutting himself a slice and putting it on his plate. “I wish to eat this slice of pie.

 

He was left alone after that, and soon after he finished his pie the tables cleared themselves and Dumbledore declared that it was quite time for bed. Ed stood immediately, not wanting to get caught in the throng of students, but not wanting to stay behind and wait either.

 

He managed to escape the great hall and, after a few wrong turns, make it to his classroom. There, Alphonse was waiting, sitting in front of the portrait that would lead to their room for the year.

 

“ _Hey, Al_.” He greets with a wave, “ _What are you doing out here_?” “ _You have to set a password_.” His brother told him, standing up. “ _Otherwise I’d be in there already_.”

 

“Ah.” Ed replied, turning to the painting-door (the subject of which staring at him kind of impatiently) and thinking for a moment, before rattling off a date.

 

“ _It was mom’s birthday_ ,” He told Al as the portrait door swung open, and the brothers entered the rooms beyond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a good part of this chapter was taken from the books and i tried to make it flow w my writing as best as possible but idk if i succeeded whoops  
> also: im pretty sure im gonna try and get in two updates a month bc that seems pretty manageable for the time being
> 
> uhhh leave comments + kudos bls because they are what keep me alive at this point


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im back babey!!! and a day before my self-assigned upload date 👀👀  
> its shorter than i'd like but w/e i can always make it up next chapter when plot maybe start picking up
> 
> uhhh other important things  
>  _"this"_ is amestrian  
> "this" is english  
> ed doesnt have magic and all that  
> this takes place after ling gets greed and during harry's 3rd year

Ed woke up the next morning to a bucket of water being poured on him. A very _cold_ bucket of water being poured on him.

 

“ _What the fuck!_ ” He yelled as he jumped out of bed, cold and wet and _oh truth Winry would actually kill him if he got her precious automail all messed up the first day here_ \- and then he stopped freaking out about his automail and started freaking out about the _thing_ that had poured water on him because it looked human enough but it clearly wasn’t because it was floating and transparent and - “What the fuck!”

 

The _thing_ laughs loudly, mockingly, as it tosses the bucket (still a quarter full of water) at Ed, who had to duck to avoid getting hit in the head.

 

“Such _strong_ language for the ickle _little_ professor!” The thing jeers, floating through the wall and leaving Ed.

 

“I’m not short!” He yelled to nobody, before kicking the bucket and stomping down the stairs, through the little living area, and pushing the portrait door open as he stomped out into his classroom. He saw Alphonse entering the classroom from the only other door, arms full with books.

 

“ _Brother?_ ” Alphonse asked, setting the books down on a desk as he approached Ed. “ _Are you okay? Why are you wet?_ ”

 

Ed grumbled as he remembered that he was indeed soaking wet, clapping his hands together and pressing them against his clothes, alchemically drying them. His hair he decided to let be (he had been meaning to wash it anyways, so he supposed that bit wasn’t _too_ much of a loss) and instead pulled all but his messy bangs into a tall ponytail.

 

“ _This_ thing, _I have no idea what it was, poured an entire damn bucket of cold water on me to wake me up, and then threw the actual bucket at me. And_ ,” He continues, as if what he had already said wasn’t the worst part of what had happened, “ _it called me_ short _._ ”

 

Alphonse sighed, and if he had eyes he surely would have rolled them.

 

“ _What did the thing look like?_ ” He asked instead, causing Ed to frown.

 

“ _Well... it sure looked human, but... it was floating. And kind of transparent._ ”

 

“ _Maybe it was a ghost?_ ” Alphonse suggested. “ _I’ve seen a few around and they fit that description... but I don’t think they could hold stuff. You could ask around?_ ”

 

“ _I could,_ ” Ed agreed. “ _I’ll ask around at breakfast, I’m sure the other teachers will know something._ ”

 

With that, Ed left the classroom, making his way down to the Great Hall where breakfast was currently in progress. He arrived there rather quickly and without incident, and was soon sliding into his seat at the staff table, piling food on his plate.

 

“So,” he began, addressing Lupin sitting next to him in between bites, “You know a decent bit about the... _things_ in this school, right?”

 

“Well, I suppose I know enough-” the man began, so Edward continued, cutting him off.

 

“Excellent, I have a question. What exactly in this school is transparent, floats, and is capable of throwing buckets of water on people?”

 

“Uh... well, I suppose the only thing in the school that could do that would be Peeves, the resident poltergeist. I suppose you’ve had a run-in with him already, then?”

 

Ed nodded sourly, his expression dawning into a scowl.

 

“It - he - whatever, woke me up with a bucket of cold water to the face, and then laughed and called me _short_.” He spat the last word like it was a horrible taste in his mouth, his sour expression darkening even more as he recalled the experience as if was the worst event in the world.

 

Unbeknownst to him, Lupin had a rather amused expression on his face, which he quickly wiped away when Ed looked back over at him.

 

“Anyways, thanks. I’m gonna go now, I -” He paused before he could say ‘ _have a few classes to prepare for_ ‘, as he remembered a much more pressing matter. He had left Greedling (it was easier to say than ‘Greed and Ling’) alone practically unattended in this place. “Fuck!”

 

“What’s wrong?” Lupin asked even as Ed vaulted over the table, not responding as he “walked quickly“ (read: ran) across the great hall and out of the room. Leaving Ling or Greed alone for extended periods of time was never a good idea. Especially not in a magic school full of magic things.

 

His first course of action was to search for the kitchens, because knowing Ling, his monstrous stomach would have led him straight to the kitchens. The idiot prince really should have gotten that bastard Father’s Gluttony instead, because man that dumbass can _eat_.

 

It takes five minutes to find a portrait who would actually be willing to tell him where the kitchens are _and_ how to get in, and then another five to get to the damn kitchens. At this rate, he knew he was going to be late to class. He hoped Al would forgive him for leaving him alone with a bunch of idiot children.

 

He tickled the pear on the portrait as instructed, and the painting swung open. He stepped in to a plethora of amazing smells that made his mouth water, but he ignored them as he noticed first the little, humanoid creatures that were running around the kitchens cooking and cleaning, and noticed second the very familiar prince who was currently devouring the enormous amounts of food in front of him.

 

“Ling!”

 

The Xingese prince looked up from his meal, an entire goddamn pancake shoved halfway in his mouth, and he grinned at Ed. “Yo!”

 

“What are you doing in here?” Ed hissed, pausing for a moment as he realized that was a very obvious question, considering the piles of food in front of Ling. “Stupid question- why are _here_ and not in the Great Hall, where there is plenty of food?”

“Easy,” Ling replied, “I’m not really supposed to be here, remember? So I can’t exactly go to the Great Hall.”

 

He... was right. Ugh.

 

“Still! ” Ed exclaimed. “That doesn’t mean you can just eat all the food in the school! You’re almost as bad as Gluttony, you know.”

 

“Ouch,” said Ling in a very monotone voice, “That hurt. Right here.”

 

He gestured to where his heart would be, then began the task of devouring yet another pancake whole. Ed groaned in frustration, realizing he didn’t have the time to press the conversation more- Ling could defend himself all day, he knew, and he had classes to teach.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Al was going to be so mad.

 

“Fine, you win asshole. Just make sure not to get caught, I’d rather _not_ get in trouble for you following me to this damn school.”

 

He turned and left, slightly scowling as he navigated the halls, making his way first back to the Great Hall, and then to his classroom. He was sure Alphonse had everything covered, but he was anxious to get to the class. And Al was going to be mad at him for being late.

 

He pushed the doors to his classroom open and listened as the idle chatter died down, until it was completely silent and he was standing  at the front of the room, in front of a large chalkboard, which his brother was writing on rather sloppily. Al turned as he finished a sentence, setting the chalk down.

 

“Brother, you’re late.” Al stated, a tone of exasperation lacing his voice. Ed laughed nervously, scratching at the back of his head.

 

“Sorry Al... I was checking on something. Are you ready to start?” Al sighed, but nodded, and Ed turned to the class, who were staring at him curiously. He donned his usual, feral smirk, regarding the students in a way that likened to a predator regarding its prey. The class shared a collective shiver.

 

“Welcome to Alchemy.” Ed announced, holding his arms out wide before letting them fall. “I am Edward Elric, and this is my brother Alphonse, and we will be your teachers for the year.”

 

He gestured to himself and Al respectively, carefully judging the students’ expressions. Many of them seemed unsettled - _good._

 

“Now!” He began, “Who can tell me what alchemy is?”

 

He didn’t really expect these students to know Amestrian alchemy, but the old man had told him there was a wizarding version of the science, and to expect some knowledge about that. He wasn’t surprised when a few hands raised. He selected a girl with dirty blonde hair and wide silver eyes dressed in blue.

 

“Wizarding alchemy is the science of turning metals into gold or silver, or finding the secret to eternal life. The Philosopher’s Stone, which was created by alchemy, was created by Nicolas Flamel to prolong his and his wife’s lives before it was destroyed a few years ago.” The girl answered, her voice dreamy as if she wasn’t all there. She probably wasn’t.

 

“Correct, that’s wizarding alchemy. However...” He looked over the classroom, grinning. “We’re not teaching you _wizarding_ alchemy. We’re teaching you the alchemy known where we come from - Amestris.” The class broke into surprised whispers, and Ed waited a few moments for everyone to shut up.

 

“So, now that that’s out of the way... Time for you to learn the most basic and fundamental parts of Alchemy- Comprehension, Deconstruction, and Reconstruction! Can any of you tell me what comprehension would mean in this case?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ed is still disaster gey, ling is hungry, and classes have started! ft stinky poltergeist and lovely luna. remember to leave comments and kudos to save my LIFE!


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